Wednesday, March 18, 2009

what's it like in new york city?

One of my favorite songs of all time. its so dreamy and beautiful. what is it like in new york city?

in one of my more witty moments I once said "there must be more than this suburban life" i.e. a reference to Beauty and the Beast. I was sitting in the parking lot this morning and I look over the freeway and the hills and I just want to fly away. I wish I could start running and just see where i end up. (I wish I could run that long, haha. i would probably be a size or two smaller in jeans!)

I feel right now that life is an enigma of things to be learned. In the midst of my studies I'm devouring books. I've moved into the library. So many books (though never enough) all representing the topics that compose life.

I want to learn French. I have said this before, but I really do every day regret not taking French. I want to learn it. And I should. It's not as if I've ever shown any natural talent for foreign language. (I don't show much natural talent for anything, ha, except for reading, I suppose). But oh well. I will learn French someday.

the number of things I will do someday grows greater every day.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

hold me close..cause i'm your tiny dancer

I just finished the most exhausting dance class of my entire life. Everything hurts. A lot. I sucked. A lot. I really really really need sleep. I've gotten <7 hours every single night for the last 5 days. Tomorrow I have a half day, basically, and when I get out..AH. Heaven. Than I have MUN all day on Sat. I'm nervous but excited.

Everything in my life seems to be a combination of two feelings. I'm never 100% anything.

Did you know you can make custom Vans? OMG. SO awesome!

you can get really far in life by being sweetly adorable. its my life lesson this week.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

i need to feel you here with me.

so, i've never written about this on here before.
but since its a huge part of who i am,
i think its kind of important.

Its hard to begin because I don't know where it started.

My grandma was the most amazing person I have ever met and will ever meet. I loved her so much. I loved visiting her; I loved just sitting around and talking. We had times where we did really fun stuff- like go to the zoo or swimming or out to eat. But those aren't the days that stand out the most. Its the days where we stayed home doing work (but it didn't feel like work), eating food, and talking. We didn't need to do anything. I remember sitting in a recliner next to her for hours at time, perhaps looking at photos or reading Readers Digest. Her home felt like my home. She made you feel like you were the specialest person in the world. And she made every single person who ever met her feel that way too. She told me stories, she gave me advice, and she asked questions. She listened. She listened in a way that no one else could. She always understood. She always cared. She was never selfish. Ever. When someone dies its easy to than picture them as perfect. But I believed it before she died. And I always will.

and than way to soon, it was over. I said goodbye in September, 2008, out of neccesity. The goodbye was made for real in November. On a grim day in November that dreaded last phone call came. I spent that day crying and every night thereafter. The next three days were some of the most dreadful I have ever experienced. Normally death, particularly of an amazing person, makes those closest to that person unite and stand together. Or everyone is in so much pain that they have to find someway to deal with it. Its so hard not to be sarcastic when I write this because I hate how people behaved. And I can't find the words to express that hatred except through sarcasm, which I feel isn't right. Sarcasm doesn't express it either. It was horrible. Basically, my parents and I (except not really me..but..) got uninvited to the funeral/memorial. Well, never mind. We weren't uninvited. We just weren't invited. Well, we were invited. We just were told not to say a thing. Which was so unfair for so many reasons. (Such a mess!) People who I loved more than anyone on earth behaved towards me so awfully. It hurts too much to even describe it. Its not what I want to think about. Its not how I want to remember them. But its what they left me with.

Its amazing how people change. Seemingly overnight. One day you're walking together and laughing in the breeze and the next they declare a cold war. I hate the feelings of shock. The bitter cold that comes from feeling completely alone. The shaking. Realizing that the phrase "miss someone so much that it hurts" is one hundred percent acurate. That deep ache. And I hate how just thinking about it makes it all come back.

There is so much more to this story. but not right now.

I always needed time on my own
I never thought I'd need you there when I cry
And the days feel like years when I'm alone
And the bed where you lie is made up on your side
When you walk away
I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day and make it ok
I miss you
I've never felt this way before
Everything that I do reminds me of you
And the clothes you left, they lie on the floor
And they smell just like you, I love the things that you do
When you walk away I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now

We were made for each other
Out here forever
I know we were, yeah
All I ever wanted was for you to know
Everything I'd do, I'd give my heart and soul
I can hardly breathe I need to feel you here with me

the words i need to hear to always get me through the day

i miss you.

If something was wrong, who is the first boy you would go to?
kyle. maybe daniel.
Who is the first girl you'd go to?
Bethi. always.
If someone liked you right now, would you want them to tell you?
eh. no. i don't want to collect admirers. and there's no one i'd want.
Are you listening to anything?
Avril Lavigne. I like the song When You're Gone
Favorite smell?
the smell of my grandma's house and her. i have one old nightgown that she had tucked away in a drawer and it still smells exactly like her. and every so often i pull it out and inhale and cry and wish that we could go back. i dread the day the smell fades away.
Has someone of the opposite sex ever told you they loved you?
hmmhmm. people can lie.
Is there one thing/anyone that is on your mind constantly?
fashion, politics, God, and the future.
Has anyone ever told you they want to spend the rest of their life with you?
Bethi and I are moving to DC together and getting a loft. right, hun? :-) the whole we-like-dudes- A LOT- thing might ruin out plans. :D
What's something you eat or drink people would think is gross?oh gosh. welcome to my life- my parents are health nuts. I love seaweed. Straight, salted, seaweed. Yeah. I also like squid. I have the oddest eating habits.
How many people have you really loved?Love is such a strange, big, wonderful, hard to define concept.
Do you enjoy late night phone conversations?very much. and in person is even better.
What’s your hair look like today?
nice and clean (rare!), just down with a big black headband that has a bow on it.
How many piercings do you have and where?
ears. never anything more.
Is there someone you'd like to fix things with?
so much that I feel like i will never be able to grow up and move on with my life without fixing them.
Who was the last guy you had a conversation with?
ummmmmmm............daniel.
Do you plan on moving out within the next year?
yeah, actually. and that kind of freaks me out.
Do you fall for people easily?
oh my goodness..it really trips me up. heehee. i'm so punny.
Are you missing someone right now?
forever and always.
What are you doing tonight?
an English paper on the Great Gatsby, finishing touches on position paper for MUN, taking off my acrylics (finally!), and hopefully watching some TV and relaxing.
Do you secretly like anyone?
maybe. its such a secret that I don't even know.
Do you think you can last in a relationship for three months?
i know i could.
What are you wearing right now?
black knitted dress (Target), burgundy cardigan (American Eagle), black tights, tall flat black boots (Payless), and black peacoat (Mervyns).
Could you go out in public looking like you do now?
hopefully, seeing as I am in public.
Have you ever made someone so mad that they broke something?
yeah. long story. that could really come off badly in writing.
What kind of mood are you in?
happily sad.
Are you satisfied with your life right now?
yeah. through all my complaining and hating situations; my life is amazing. its a gift. and I am SO grateful.
Plans for tomorrow?
school...homework..youth group.
What would you do if you won the lottery?
its currently at 12 million. SO. First, I'd buy a loft in DC and a large house in countryside Massachusets. Than, I'd buy some staples: Hermes bag, Chanel LBD, Christian Loubutins....After that, I'd adopt four kids from foster care, build a private school in some deprived area where I'd give full scholarships to impoverished kids, and probably just walk through Hollywood taking homeless people to lunch.
Do you regret anything from your past?
i regret the very, very, wrong decisions other people have made.
but i couldn't/can't really do a thing about it.
Will you be in a relationship in 4 months?
Probably not.
In the past week have you smiled?
Only about every three minutes.
Have you told anybody you loved them today?
yeah. daddy. and i've said it in my heart to a bunch.
Do you think too much or too little?
way too much.
Have you thought of baby names?
Emma Rose, Jack Darcy and Lilly Anne.
Describe yourself in one word:me

i never will..never again

My friends joke about me living at school. Its pretty close to the truth. I spend about 3 hours (conscious) in my house each day. and about 9 (hopefully) dead to the world. I rarely make my bed. I rarely make my bed or clean my room. Its such a change from just last year. Which seems SO long ago. This past year was THE longest one of my life. I don't know if anything could beat it. I don't even remember doing school last year. It seems like I'm looking back at a completely different person.

Okay, I am kind of looking back at a completely different person.

I love this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bap-oZI-Grc&feature=channel I just adore when she's throwing his stuff out the window. (I would NEVER EVER do that. :D)

I can't stand looking at people's knees in winter. its the wierdest pet peeve, I know. I just hate the look of dress with legs stuck into some sort of ankle boot.

I'm looking for a new haircut.
but i'm scared.

Monday, March 2, 2009

Books..Books..Books

Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen (X)
2 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien (X)
3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte (X)
4 Harry Potter series - JK Rowling (X)
5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee (X)
6 The Bible - (X)
7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte ()
8 Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell (X)
9 His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens ()
11 Little Women - Louisa M Alcott (X)
12 Tess of the D’Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy ()
13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller ()
14 Complete Works of Shakespeare (1/2)
15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier ()
16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien (X)
17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulk ()
18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger (X)
19 The Time Traveller’s Wife - Audrey Niffenegger ()
20 Middlemarch - George Eliot ()
21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell (X)
22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald (X)
23 Bleak House - Charles Dickens ()
24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy ( )
25 The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams ()
26 Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh ()
27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky ()2
8 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck (X)
29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll (X)
30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame (X)
31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy ()
32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens (X)
33 Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis (X)
34 Emma - Jane Austen (X)
35 Persuasion - Jane Austen (X)
36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis (X)
37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini - (X)
38 Captain Corelli’s Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres ()
39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden ()
40 Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne (X)
41 Animal Farm - George Orwell (X)
42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown ()
43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez ()
44 A Prayer for Owen Meany - John Irving ()
45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins ()
46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery (X)
47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy ()
48 The Handmaid’s Tale - Margaret Atwood ()
49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding (X)5
50 Atonement - Ian McEwan
51 Life of Pi - Yann Martel ()
52 Dune - Frank Herbert ()
53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons ()
54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen (X)
55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth ()
56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon ()
57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens ()
58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley ()
59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon ()
60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez ()
61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck (X)
62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov ()
63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt ()
64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold ()
65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas ()6
6 On The Road - Jack Kerouac ()
67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy ()
68 Bridget Jones’s Diary - Helen Fielding ()
69 Midnight’s Children - Salman Rushdie ()
70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville (X)
71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens ()
72 Dracula - Bram Stoker ()
73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett (X)
74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson ()
75 Ulysses - James Joyce ()
76 The Inferno - Dante ()
77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome ()
78 Germinal - Emile Zola ()
79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray ()
80 Possession - AS Byatt ()
81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens (X)
82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell ( )
83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker ()
84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro ()
85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert ()
86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry ()
87 Charlotte’s Web - EB White (X)
88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom ()
89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle ()
90 The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton ()
91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad ()
92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery ()
93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks ()
94 Watership Down - Richard Adams ()
95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole ()
96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute ()
97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas ()
98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare (X)
99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl (X)
100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo ()


33 1/2. Whoever choose these was a bit crazed.

cause I don't know if it get's worse than this....

Today we had a practice math quiz- I got a 1/40. Yes, half a point, on a 20 question test. I really, truly hate math. And I've said this nearly every day for the last four years of my life. And my mom has always given me a look and told me to deal. Clearly, that's not working for me. I fail at math. Literally, right now. I don't really want to complain. I'll learn from this and study a crapload tomorrow and try my hardest to pull my grade up out of the F range. (I'm aiming for an A this semester, but I'm trying my hardest for a B.)

This week I have:
an essay on Transcendentalism due on Tuesday
an essay on The Great Gatsby due on Wednesday
a position paper on Australia/UNESCO due on Thursday
a math quiz on Wednesday
a Biology quiz on Tuesday
a Model UN conference all day on Sat.
a Cuban Missle Crisis essay due on Monday
and a history test next Wednesday.

plus assorted other readings.


The lunchlady at Subway asked if I was pregnant today. Granted, I was clutching my stomach and looking depressed (bad cramps) but really? Really. My friend told me later "You look pretty hot for a pregnant girl." Oh sigh.
I am gaining weight. I'm resolved to quit my daily mocha habit this week. And my daily candy bar habit. And to go to the COC gym sometime this week. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe Wednesday. We'll see. I've gotten into the "I'm skinny; I can eat whatever I want whenever I want" mindset. It was great for about a week. Now I feel like a whale. Or a mini-hippo.

I need to make copies for my ethnic and gender politics class. However, I have about 75 cents to my name. And I need a Diet Coke refill. Which will cost me 50 cents. Which leads ~15 cents for copies. Which will be two pages. Of a 25 page article. Clearly that will not work out.

I somehow left the house without iPod headphones. But with an iPod. *Depressed*

Its really awkward to Google-stalk someone when they could very well be in the vicinity.

So, today, it rained, and I was very unprepared. So, it better rain tomorrow. So I can wear my rainboots and a cute rain outfit. Today I woke up at 7:15. And I need to leave the house at 7:35 to be on time. I am so proud of myself for literally throwing something on. Ha, on Friday I literally fell out of bed onto the floor (more of a roll, actually) and wore the first thing I put my hand on.
the great thing about getting dressed up on weekends is that you can wear the same thing on a school day when you have no time to be creative.