Sorry, I don't love you. I don't think I can, I don't think I ever will. I don't feel for you anything close to what I felt for him.
With him, I felt that everything was going to be okay, no matter what. With him, I felt secure, adored, beautiful, cared for. With him, I felt that we had an understanding that was like nothing I've ever experienced before. With him, I connected every romantic thing to us. With him, I could forgive and accept his faults no matter what he did. With him, I knew what I'm not sure about with you.
None of those feelings were cultivated or forced. They came naturally, without trying.
But should I leave you for what I have no chance of getting back?
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Goodbye, Mediocre Living
In the past few weeks, I've had a lot of time to think about my life and my plans for the future. I've spent time regretting (and not regretting), planning, thinking, and re-assesing. I'm trying to figure out what is most important, what is not important, what needs to change, and what I most definitely want to keep around. I've come to a few basic conclusions:
Life does not have to be lived how everyone else tells you it has to be.
And contrary to popular belief, you really do not have to do things you don't want to do. Really. You don't have to go to medical school (heck, you don't have to go to college), you don't have to work from 9-5, you don't have to shop, you don't have to learn math, you don't have to spend time with people you hate, you don't have to have health insurance, you don't have to save for retirement with a 401 K. You don't have to live in a certain state because you were born there. You don't have to eat food you don't want to eat, you don't have to go on a diet, you don't have to work out. You don't have to get fat, you don't have to be careless with your physical appearance, you don't have to wear clothes from Wal Mart. Heck, you don't have to wear clothes if you don't want to.
Do you get it?
Its not that the above things are harmful, and the point is not that the above things should be avoided. Many of them (particularly wearing clothes) are good things to do. But the point is, you don't have to. You can live a "succesful" life without doing any of the above. People will probably find you a bit insane. But that's okay, because insane people are the best. Some people want to be normal. And that's fine. But I don't. I don't want to be normal. I don't want to live an average American life. My motivation is simple: that's boring. And I hate being bored.
See, I've thought for a while that I want to live a nice, secure life. I wanted to graduate from a prestigous college, go to a prestigous law school, get a prestigous career (preferably in politics), possibly marry a prestigous husband, and raise a few prestigous children. You can't have read that without missing the word prestigious. And that's the problem.
A. Prestige is based entirely on other people's opinions. One of my favorite quotes is "If everyone elses opinion is what matters, do you ever have one of your own?" The answer is no. And that's how to live a meaningless life. Which leads me to B.
B. Prestige is empty. The only people who find prestige important are those who somehow consider themselves prestigous. Its kind of like high school. There are always some of those really cool kids who find themselves a cut above the rest of us (and enjoy shoving that in our faces), but at the same time, everyone who's actually cool (as in, interesting, deep, unique, fascinating) could care less about being cool. C. Prestige is boring. Look at "The Real Housewives of New York City." Every person on that show is bored to tears. There's nothing there for them except the approval of other people. Why would anyone want that?
This isn't to say I'm giving up on politics, prestige, my love of nice things, or college. This is to say I'm reevaluating. Maybe those things will stay. Maybe they won't.
This is to say I'm done with living my life for other people. Not that I'm going to become a self-centered, self-seeking individual. But, I will probably dash quite a few people's expectations in my lifetime. Actually, I guarantee I will. But I also want to go above and beyond what anyone could expect. I want to break out of mediocrity.
I've gained a lot of inspiration from the bloggers below. The first guy has set a goal to travel to every country in the entire world, and he has a really cool and inspiring mindset that he shares on his blog. Awesome. The second is a guy who's living his Life List. A Life List is the typical 100 (or 43) things you want to do in your lifetime. A Bucket List, basically. I'm rewriting and adding to mine, and making them more tangible and achievable and awesome.
http://www.johngoddard.info/life_list.htm
http://www.project183.com/
Updates to follow....
Life does not have to be lived how everyone else tells you it has to be.
And contrary to popular belief, you really do not have to do things you don't want to do. Really. You don't have to go to medical school (heck, you don't have to go to college), you don't have to work from 9-5, you don't have to shop, you don't have to learn math, you don't have to spend time with people you hate, you don't have to have health insurance, you don't have to save for retirement with a 401 K. You don't have to live in a certain state because you were born there. You don't have to eat food you don't want to eat, you don't have to go on a diet, you don't have to work out. You don't have to get fat, you don't have to be careless with your physical appearance, you don't have to wear clothes from Wal Mart. Heck, you don't have to wear clothes if you don't want to.
Do you get it?
Its not that the above things are harmful, and the point is not that the above things should be avoided. Many of them (particularly wearing clothes) are good things to do. But the point is, you don't have to. You can live a "succesful" life without doing any of the above. People will probably find you a bit insane. But that's okay, because insane people are the best. Some people want to be normal. And that's fine. But I don't. I don't want to be normal. I don't want to live an average American life. My motivation is simple: that's boring. And I hate being bored.
See, I've thought for a while that I want to live a nice, secure life. I wanted to graduate from a prestigous college, go to a prestigous law school, get a prestigous career (preferably in politics), possibly marry a prestigous husband, and raise a few prestigous children. You can't have read that without missing the word prestigious. And that's the problem.
A. Prestige is based entirely on other people's opinions. One of my favorite quotes is "If everyone elses opinion is what matters, do you ever have one of your own?" The answer is no. And that's how to live a meaningless life. Which leads me to B.
B. Prestige is empty. The only people who find prestige important are those who somehow consider themselves prestigous. Its kind of like high school. There are always some of those really cool kids who find themselves a cut above the rest of us (and enjoy shoving that in our faces), but at the same time, everyone who's actually cool (as in, interesting, deep, unique, fascinating) could care less about being cool. C. Prestige is boring. Look at "The Real Housewives of New York City." Every person on that show is bored to tears. There's nothing there for them except the approval of other people. Why would anyone want that?
This isn't to say I'm giving up on politics, prestige, my love of nice things, or college. This is to say I'm reevaluating. Maybe those things will stay. Maybe they won't.
This is to say I'm done with living my life for other people. Not that I'm going to become a self-centered, self-seeking individual. But, I will probably dash quite a few people's expectations in my lifetime. Actually, I guarantee I will. But I also want to go above and beyond what anyone could expect. I want to break out of mediocrity.
I've gained a lot of inspiration from the bloggers below. The first guy has set a goal to travel to every country in the entire world, and he has a really cool and inspiring mindset that he shares on his blog. Awesome. The second is a guy who's living his Life List. A Life List is the typical 100 (or 43) things you want to do in your lifetime. A Bucket List, basically. I'm rewriting and adding to mine, and making them more tangible and achievable and awesome.
http://www.johngoddard.info/life_list.htm
http://www.project183.com/
Updates to follow....
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
college will kill me
Everyday I get a e-mail from a college. This particular college choose the unfortunate name, oh so many years ago, of Stephen's College. I have never looked at their website, I have no idea where they are, if they are good or bad, and frankly I do not give a crap. With a name like that, how could it be good?
Sometimes I feel like changing my major to art or creative writing or something similar. Something that will never get me a good job and something I have zero talent in. Something that I really don't enjoy doing; I just like the idea of. Something without GPA's and SAT's and all the horrid stuff that goes along with that.
I didn't register for the SAT on time. So I tried to do late registration. Do you know how much late registration would cost me?? $68. TO TAKE A GOSH DARN TEST NO ONE IN THEIR RIGHT MIND SHOULD PAY ANY AMOUNT OF MONEY FOR.
So, apparently, I will just do my Literature and US History tests in Nov. However, that's a problem if I want to apply to PHC early-- I'm not sure if they'll let me send my scores about 3 weeks late.
I think I'm going to apply to The Kings College as well. http://farm1.static.flickr.com/215/475670426_754ea5f1b3.jpg?v=0 This is where I would have the pleasure of residing.
Okay, except, it would be $34,000 a year. *Cough* *AHEM* That's a LOT.
But there are Starbucks in the area.
PHC is a bit better for me, though, I think. I like it better. Hmm. That's a good sign.
Sometimes I feel like changing my major to art or creative writing or something similar. Something that will never get me a good job and something I have zero talent in. Something that I really don't enjoy doing; I just like the idea of. Something without GPA's and SAT's and all the horrid stuff that goes along with that.
I didn't register for the SAT on time. So I tried to do late registration. Do you know how much late registration would cost me?? $68. TO TAKE A GOSH DARN TEST NO ONE IN THEIR RIGHT MIND SHOULD PAY ANY AMOUNT OF MONEY FOR.
So, apparently, I will just do my Literature and US History tests in Nov. However, that's a problem if I want to apply to PHC early-- I'm not sure if they'll let me send my scores about 3 weeks late.
I think I'm going to apply to The Kings College as well. http://farm1.static.flickr.com/215/475670426_754ea5f1b3.jpg?v=0 This is where I would have the pleasure of residing.
Okay, except, it would be $34,000 a year. *Cough* *AHEM* That's a LOT.
But there are Starbucks in the area.
PHC is a bit better for me, though, I think. I like it better. Hmm. That's a good sign.
Monday, September 21, 2009
in nineteen seconds you can walk out of someone's life forever
and apparently taking advantage of this is employed by many people.
I am currently doing drivers ed and learning about what to do in 'inclement weather'. This would be incredibly useful and all, except for the fact that CA does not have inclement weather. Or weather. We just have hot + dry (= grumpy). I have never learned more useless info. But hey, I am accomplishing something. And that is rather meritous. Did you know that you are required to wear a bicycle helmet until the age of 18? I guess that will come in handy when I'm driving a car. Also, horse-drawn vehicles are allowed to share the road. My darling, who knew?
Maybe I should do a beauty pageant. 'Cause that's exactly what Toddlers and Tiaras inspires one to do. :-) I love how all the mom's on that show are completely ugly and overweight. With the occasional trophy wife thrown in for good measure.
"There have been 149 CalTrans workers killed in the line of duty." Who knew that reparing the freeway is a warzone?
'Never pass a snowplow' Yeah, that will come in handy.
Yay! I finished the drivers ed course and they're sending my certificate. Success. I want to take the test sometime before my birthday. Ha.
I am currently doing drivers ed and learning about what to do in 'inclement weather'. This would be incredibly useful and all, except for the fact that CA does not have inclement weather. Or weather. We just have hot + dry (= grumpy). I have never learned more useless info. But hey, I am accomplishing something. And that is rather meritous. Did you know that you are required to wear a bicycle helmet until the age of 18? I guess that will come in handy when I'm driving a car. Also, horse-drawn vehicles are allowed to share the road. My darling, who knew?
Maybe I should do a beauty pageant. 'Cause that's exactly what Toddlers and Tiaras inspires one to do. :-) I love how all the mom's on that show are completely ugly and overweight. With the occasional trophy wife thrown in for good measure.
"There have been 149 CalTrans workers killed in the line of duty." Who knew that reparing the freeway is a warzone?
'Never pass a snowplow' Yeah, that will come in handy.
Yay! I finished the drivers ed course and they're sending my certificate. Success. I want to take the test sometime before my birthday. Ha.
Monday, September 14, 2009
birthday list
- Urban Outfitters gift card. Particularly because I am loving everything on their website right now.
- (almost) any purse from Aldo. The bigger the better, of course.
- the 'wedding ring' from Aldo (any of their rings, actually)
- an Amazon gift card, because you can buy anything in the world on Amazon :D
- American Apparel v-necks in any color (baby pink and black especially), available for $9 on Amazon. Amazing.
- Journals. A new largeish leather journal would be nice.
- Jewelry. Basically anything, long necklaces, small earrings, bracelets.
- OPI red nail polish.
- iTunes gift card. Uggggg.....my iTunes library is really missed up.
- if anyone wants to build an H&M here, that'd be kind of great.
- red peacoat and a new black peacoat that actually fits without 10 layers under it
- Starbucks gift card
- long, large scarves
- anything Paris themed, of course. London too. Any city, really.
- (almost) any purse from Aldo. The bigger the better, of course.
- the 'wedding ring' from Aldo (any of their rings, actually)
- an Amazon gift card, because you can buy anything in the world on Amazon :D
- American Apparel v-necks in any color (baby pink and black especially), available for $9 on Amazon. Amazing.
- Journals. A new largeish leather journal would be nice.
- Jewelry. Basically anything, long necklaces, small earrings, bracelets.
- OPI red nail polish.
- iTunes gift card. Uggggg.....my iTunes library is really missed up.
- if anyone wants to build an H&M here, that'd be kind of great.
- red peacoat and a new black peacoat that actually fits without 10 layers under it
- Starbucks gift card
- long, large scarves
- anything Paris themed, of course. London too. Any city, really.
23 Life Lessons Learned @ the D23 Expo- PT1
1. Do not argue with Disney fans over song lyrics. Somehow, they will have every Disney song from the most elusive movies on their phones and iPods. If they say it is "shining, shimmering, splendor" then by all means do not sing "shining, shimmering, splendid".
2. Liking Hannah Montana at age 16 is somewhat disturbing. Liking Hannah Montana at 35 and pontificating on finer aspects of the Hannah Montana culture at 35 is extremely disturbing. Not to mention that true Disney fans consider all aspects of the Hannah Montana brand ridiculous. And would never bid on Lot 41.
3. Rich Disney fans are also fat. This is sort of a flashback to 'olden times' where your size was reflective of your personal monetary value. But, considering how narrow many Disneyland rides are, it is odd that such ardent admirers would be so large.
4. The Haunted Mansion is not just a ride. It is something to base one's entire existence on. To some Disney fans, this is a normal occurence of life. To others, it is somewhat horrifying to see a old guy stacking a stroller 5 feet tall with Haunted Mansion pins. And making his kid walk.
5. Do not cut in front of elderly, British, Disney Princess fans in line. Enough said.
2. Liking Hannah Montana at age 16 is somewhat disturbing. Liking Hannah Montana at 35 and pontificating on finer aspects of the Hannah Montana culture at 35 is extremely disturbing. Not to mention that true Disney fans consider all aspects of the Hannah Montana brand ridiculous. And would never bid on Lot 41.
3. Rich Disney fans are also fat. This is sort of a flashback to 'olden times' where your size was reflective of your personal monetary value. But, considering how narrow many Disneyland rides are, it is odd that such ardent admirers would be so large.
4. The Haunted Mansion is not just a ride. It is something to base one's entire existence on. To some Disney fans, this is a normal occurence of life. To others, it is somewhat horrifying to see a old guy stacking a stroller 5 feet tall with Haunted Mansion pins. And making his kid walk.
5. Do not cut in front of elderly, British, Disney Princess fans in line. Enough said.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
hey stephen, thanks so much for leaving, i'm so glad we didn't stay the same
Dear Stephen,
I really should be over you. In fact, if you knew how much your existence bothers me, you would probably be amused. And your ego would grow bigger and bigger and bigger...as it has a talent for doing. In fact, that's the only talent you have. Stephen and the amazing growing ego. It should be a book.
For the record, one of the most annoying things about you is your Twitter. No one cares that you have your own action figure @ Wal Mart. No one cares that you hate traffic, you love Los Angeles, and that your muscles (like your ego) grow bigger every day. No one cares that you bought a v-neck, go running, or make your own YouTube videos. Millions of more attractive people do these same things everyday. Just because your hair is curly and you have been in two extremely bad movies does not mean you are amazing.
For the record, you being in two movies and on a ridiculous Nickelodeon show that no one with brains would watch does not qualify you as a star. You are not a star. *Repeat Repeat REPEAT* Just because you have been badly playing guitar for five years also does not qualify you as a musician/rock star/talented. Just because you have "friends" does not mean you are popular. Just because you have abs does not mean you are an Abercrombie model. Just because I am taking the time to write this does not mean I am desperate.
For the record, I have no reason to be bitter at you. I have no reason to hate you. But somehow, I still do. Somehow you manage to be incredibly annoying, even though you're miles away. Okay, your not really. But you might as well be. I'm convinced you paid you fan club members to join. I'm also convinced that secretly your life really sucks. I'm convinced you write your own comments on IMDB.
For the record, yes I was kind of a stalker. Desperate, maybe. Creepy, crazy, not incredibly attractive, sociable, or entertaining. I know. I didn't know it at thirteen. But thanks for letting me know.
For the record, some day, in some future moment, we will meet again. I will look fabulous and be making more money than you and hanging on the arm of someone much, much better than you. And I will be wearing Christian Loubutins and you will look shorter than ever. (Not even growing out your ugly afro will help) I will be drinking coffee and I will exude fabulousness. Secretly, I've always been more fabulous than you. I just didn't show it.
Love you. Not.
PS: Oh, by the way, congratulations. I'm not to bitter to say congratulations on attending the College Road Trip premier. Goodness. You really are in the in-crowd now, eh babe?
I really should be over you. In fact, if you knew how much your existence bothers me, you would probably be amused. And your ego would grow bigger and bigger and bigger...as it has a talent for doing. In fact, that's the only talent you have. Stephen and the amazing growing ego. It should be a book.
For the record, one of the most annoying things about you is your Twitter. No one cares that you have your own action figure @ Wal Mart. No one cares that you hate traffic, you love Los Angeles, and that your muscles (like your ego) grow bigger every day. No one cares that you bought a v-neck, go running, or make your own YouTube videos. Millions of more attractive people do these same things everyday. Just because your hair is curly and you have been in two extremely bad movies does not mean you are amazing.
For the record, you being in two movies and on a ridiculous Nickelodeon show that no one with brains would watch does not qualify you as a star. You are not a star. *Repeat Repeat REPEAT* Just because you have been badly playing guitar for five years also does not qualify you as a musician/rock star/talented. Just because you have "friends" does not mean you are popular. Just because you have abs does not mean you are an Abercrombie model. Just because I am taking the time to write this does not mean I am desperate.
For the record, I have no reason to be bitter at you. I have no reason to hate you. But somehow, I still do. Somehow you manage to be incredibly annoying, even though you're miles away. Okay, your not really. But you might as well be. I'm convinced you paid you fan club members to join. I'm also convinced that secretly your life really sucks. I'm convinced you write your own comments on IMDB.
For the record, yes I was kind of a stalker. Desperate, maybe. Creepy, crazy, not incredibly attractive, sociable, or entertaining. I know. I didn't know it at thirteen. But thanks for letting me know.
For the record, some day, in some future moment, we will meet again. I will look fabulous and be making more money than you and hanging on the arm of someone much, much better than you. And I will be wearing Christian Loubutins and you will look shorter than ever. (Not even growing out your ugly afro will help) I will be drinking coffee and I will exude fabulousness. Secretly, I've always been more fabulous than you. I just didn't show it.
Love you. Not.
PS: Oh, by the way, congratulations. I'm not to bitter to say congratulations on attending the College Road Trip premier. Goodness. You really are in the in-crowd now, eh babe?
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
viva la Paris
This is it.
I am done with the West Coast. I am done with hot weather, dry trees, and half-naked people. I am done with Mexican food on every corner and billboards for plastic surgery. If only I were done now. I wish I could go now. I wish I could go at the end of this year. Okay, I could. But I still wouldn't be where I really want to be. *Deep sigh*
Perhaps I really should forget college, move to DC, and open a coffee shop.
I am done with the West Coast. I am done with hot weather, dry trees, and half-naked people. I am done with Mexican food on every corner and billboards for plastic surgery. If only I were done now. I wish I could go now. I wish I could go at the end of this year. Okay, I could. But I still wouldn't be where I really want to be. *Deep sigh*
Perhaps I really should forget college, move to DC, and open a coffee shop.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
can never remember
my Blogger acount.
So, when you liked someone and than they basically dumped you, you are supposed to put up a great facade of how fabulous your life is, right? your not supposed to answer "How are you doing?" with "Eh...all right." Right? Whatever. I fail at life. I fail at creating a good impression of myself. But whatever. I am honest. Sort of.
I have taken to reading badly-written chick-lit. Of the Meg Cabot type. I have reached new levels of patheticness.
I love Fall. I'm looking forward to the clothes. and the cold.
wore a fabulous hat today. lot's of compliments from random people. fun times.
D's b-day was today. we almost exchanged a whole word. WOW. Almost.
So, when you liked someone and than they basically dumped you, you are supposed to put up a great facade of how fabulous your life is, right? your not supposed to answer "How are you doing?" with "Eh...all right." Right? Whatever. I fail at life. I fail at creating a good impression of myself. But whatever. I am honest. Sort of.
I have taken to reading badly-written chick-lit. Of the Meg Cabot type. I have reached new levels of patheticness.
I love Fall. I'm looking forward to the clothes. and the cold.
wore a fabulous hat today. lot's of compliments from random people. fun times.
D's b-day was today. we almost exchanged a whole word. WOW. Almost.
Monday, July 27, 2009
ahhhhhhhhhh...summer
I've enjoyed not writing for two months.
I just spent 10 minutes trying to log into my Blogger account because I couldn't remember what the heck I changed the password too...and now I completely forget anything I wanted to say. Its fabulous.
I just spent 10 minutes trying to log into my Blogger account because I couldn't remember what the heck I changed the password too...and now I completely forget anything I wanted to say. Its fabulous.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
maybe i'm amazed at the way i really need you
So today I finished an epic paper. As I later told my professor, it was a personal epiphany. Unfortunatly, immeadietly after typing this epiphany, it was forever lost in the craziness called hard-drives. Believe me, the words flying through my head threatening to leave my lips were not one's you would typically call, um, ladylike? (Not to mention biblical...)
After I sort of rationalized the situation to myself, I came to realize two things. 1. We should really go back to use typewriters. Things do not disappear on typewriters. 2. I have a horrible memory. I am trying to re-create this paper as I write this, and boy, it is not coming back.
UGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Anyhow, it was due two hours ago, but my professor is graciously letting me turn it in in an hour. As he quipped, "I would not want to stifle an epiphany being written". Ah yes, let them laugh.
UGG! This day must end.
and it will.
praise the Lord.
and when it does,
so will school.
i need coffee.
After I sort of rationalized the situation to myself, I came to realize two things. 1. We should really go back to use typewriters. Things do not disappear on typewriters. 2. I have a horrible memory. I am trying to re-create this paper as I write this, and boy, it is not coming back.
UGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Anyhow, it was due two hours ago, but my professor is graciously letting me turn it in in an hour. As he quipped, "I would not want to stifle an epiphany being written". Ah yes, let them laugh.
UGG! This day must end.
and it will.
praise the Lord.
and when it does,
so will school.
i need coffee.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
i saw you
I got a D in Alg2. I could have tried so much harder, I could have worked, I could have passed. I'm mad. I'm not mad at my teacher, or the class, or even math in general. I'm really disappointed in myself.
But honestly, its not the end of the world. I have my whole life and my whole future ahead of me. If I don't get into _____ College because of it, than obviously that's not where I belong. Because, at the end of the day, I can't be a jack of all trades. I don't want to count my chickens before they hatch, but I'm pretty confident the rest of my grades will be okay. It is not who wins the battle, it is who wins the war. I believe in myself, and my dreams are going to come true. (Yes, I purposely used every cliche I could think of in this paragraph.)
It doesn't matter if you win or lose, its how you play the game. And I loved this semester. I learned SO SO much, about so many things. I read a ton. I met a lot of amazing people. I rocked the SAT's. I got an amazing internship with my congressman. I laughed every single day. I lost weight, gained weight, and lost it again. :-D I discovered fashion blogs. I had an amazing experience doing Model UN. I liked a couple guys, but it was all lovely and lighthearted. I went to Disneyland. I danced. I built amazing relationships with my teachers. I drank coffee. A lot of coffee. Way too much coffee. (If you are what you eat (cliche number 200) I am a vanilla latte). I got elected VP of the political science club. I skipped through the city with my BFF. I got through some nasty drama with my dignity in check. I watched the inauguration. I changed my college list a million times. I flirted. I shopped. I read Newsweek. And in my famous words, even if all else had failed, it would be okay. Because I looked fabulous. :-)
My life happiness doesn't depend on that grade, or any grade for that matter. There is so much more to my life. And I love it.
But honestly, its not the end of the world. I have my whole life and my whole future ahead of me. If I don't get into _____ College because of it, than obviously that's not where I belong. Because, at the end of the day, I can't be a jack of all trades. I don't want to count my chickens before they hatch, but I'm pretty confident the rest of my grades will be okay. It is not who wins the battle, it is who wins the war. I believe in myself, and my dreams are going to come true. (Yes, I purposely used every cliche I could think of in this paragraph.)
It doesn't matter if you win or lose, its how you play the game. And I loved this semester. I learned SO SO much, about so many things. I read a ton. I met a lot of amazing people. I rocked the SAT's. I got an amazing internship with my congressman. I laughed every single day. I lost weight, gained weight, and lost it again. :-D I discovered fashion blogs. I had an amazing experience doing Model UN. I liked a couple guys, but it was all lovely and lighthearted. I went to Disneyland. I danced. I built amazing relationships with my teachers. I drank coffee. A lot of coffee. Way too much coffee. (If you are what you eat (cliche number 200) I am a vanilla latte). I got elected VP of the political science club. I skipped through the city with my BFF. I got through some nasty drama with my dignity in check. I watched the inauguration. I changed my college list a million times. I flirted. I shopped. I read Newsweek. And in my famous words, even if all else had failed, it would be okay. Because I looked fabulous. :-)
My life happiness doesn't depend on that grade, or any grade for that matter. There is so much more to my life. And I love it.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
is the sun shining?
I know I'm not the only person in America absolutly torn over Jon & Kate+8. I love/loved this show. Oh yeah, its dramaticized and what not. But the kids are adorable. And they've always seemed like this awesome family that's so darn real. Jon and Kate argue, the kids whine, the trash doesn't get taken out, and people are trapising in and out at all hours. And, unlike a certain Duggar family, they are most certaintly NOT perfect. So, I hope the best for them. I truly believe the kids are all happy, healthy, adored, and loved.
Next on the pop culture trail, what is Britney Spears doing? Her newest music video/single...oh my. its sort of a new low on the trail of lows. Its kind of a let down. I mean, not that I think she's some sort of super-talented amazing creative performer. But I liked her last two singles (Circus, and Womanizer). Okay, liked is a bit of an overstatement. They were tolerable. A good comback. But the fact that I won't even write the title of her video on my blog is sort of a bad sign.
Okay, I know, what do I really expect.
This post was addmitedly, pointless, but hey. Its finals week. A little blah blah blah is good for the soul.
Next on the pop culture trail, what is Britney Spears doing? Her newest music video/single...oh my. its sort of a new low on the trail of lows. Its kind of a let down. I mean, not that I think she's some sort of super-talented amazing creative performer. But I liked her last two singles (Circus, and Womanizer). Okay, liked is a bit of an overstatement. They were tolerable. A good comback. But the fact that I won't even write the title of her video on my blog is sort of a bad sign.
Okay, I know, what do I really expect.
This post was addmitedly, pointless, but hey. Its finals week. A little blah blah blah is good for the soul.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
wave goodbye, wish me well
SAT results come out Thursday (I am dying of anticipation) and we have two and a half weeks of school left. I'm freaking out about bio and alg. 2. Well, I should be freaking out more than I am. My two major classes (major as in my major, not as in large or big problem--far from it)....one is done with and I'm pretty sure I did good (probably a B), and I have one paper left for the second, which I'm starting this week because I swear, I am not doing another paper the night before it is due. (Just wait.....this is me)
I'm failing Bio and Alg 2. But again, I'm working. I've never failed a class yet, and you better believe I am not starting now.
English and History are good, all things considered, I should come out with A's.
And dance...heh....I need to do a ton of make-ups. But I will.
My other accomplishment of the semester (or, I guess, year) is I spent a year in the Political Science Club (never mind I did nothing but show up, basically, but shhh) and am now VP (and I plan to do a lot more than just show up). And am relishing the title "Madame Vice President". Which several have used in adressing me of late.
Tomorrow, after school, I have an interview at our House representatives office. I'm (fingers crossed) going to be interning in his office this summer. :-)
So, overall, I'm proud of myself. I mean, obviously, this could all fall apart in the next 3 weeks. Or 3 minutes. But, for me, the overbearing perfectionist (at least on myself, I could care less about others) its nice to not completely fail.
Colleges of the Week (LOL, yes, its come to this; though after Thursday this list might change to CSUN and SDSU :D) : Yale (CT), Brown (Rhode Island), Wellesly (MA), George Washington (I like it more than American right now), Barnard (in NY), and Tufts (MA). Yes, two of those are women's colleges. But, they're both next door to a lot of other colleges and have amazing programs and have a lot of plusses. So. Yeah.
Yale and Brown are Ivy's. Tufts is an almost Ivy...but it seems (from a short perusal of their website) perfect for me. Wellesly is awesome academically, and I fit on the lower end of their acceptances (always a +), I love the location, and I'm beginning to 'get' the whole women's college thing. George Washington is better than American and its likely I'd get in. Barnard is something I'm unsure on. Nothing about them wow's me.
So yeah.
I'm failing Bio and Alg 2. But again, I'm working. I've never failed a class yet, and you better believe I am not starting now.
English and History are good, all things considered, I should come out with A's.
And dance...heh....I need to do a ton of make-ups. But I will.
My other accomplishment of the semester (or, I guess, year) is I spent a year in the Political Science Club (never mind I did nothing but show up, basically, but shhh) and am now VP (and I plan to do a lot more than just show up). And am relishing the title "Madame Vice President". Which several have used in adressing me of late.
Tomorrow, after school, I have an interview at our House representatives office. I'm (fingers crossed) going to be interning in his office this summer. :-)
So, overall, I'm proud of myself. I mean, obviously, this could all fall apart in the next 3 weeks. Or 3 minutes. But, for me, the overbearing perfectionist (at least on myself, I could care less about others) its nice to not completely fail.
Colleges of the Week (LOL, yes, its come to this; though after Thursday this list might change to CSUN and SDSU :D) : Yale (CT), Brown (Rhode Island), Wellesly (MA), George Washington (I like it more than American right now), Barnard (in NY), and Tufts (MA). Yes, two of those are women's colleges. But, they're both next door to a lot of other colleges and have amazing programs and have a lot of plusses. So. Yeah.
Yale and Brown are Ivy's. Tufts is an almost Ivy...but it seems (from a short perusal of their website) perfect for me. Wellesly is awesome academically, and I fit on the lower end of their acceptances (always a +), I love the location, and I'm beginning to 'get' the whole women's college thing. George Washington is better than American and its likely I'd get in. Barnard is something I'm unsure on. Nothing about them wow's me.
So yeah.
Monday, May 18, 2009
my anger is displayed in rather humorous/atypical ways
second short post of the day.....
but do you know what is SO SO annoying? people on Youtube who comment and somehow make everything from Mozart to the The Killers relate to Twilight. Excuse me while I hit my skull on something similar to concrete.
Twilight is not The Bible. Or Shakespeare. And apparently, the people who do not want Twilight as the defining cultural book (rather, event, phenomenon, commercial materialistic crap) of my generation/century have yet to come together and protest.
21st century does not equal corny, over-romantic, one-dimensional, plastic, airbrushed...vampires.
Vampires were "in" in like, the 1500's. Back when people actually believed in mystical stuff.
Wait, did I say, back when? Sorry, I just got the memo that modernization has never occured.
but do you know what is SO SO annoying? people on Youtube who comment and somehow make everything from Mozart to the The Killers relate to Twilight. Excuse me while I hit my skull on something similar to concrete.
Twilight is not The Bible. Or Shakespeare. And apparently, the people who do not want Twilight as the defining cultural book (rather, event, phenomenon, commercial materialistic crap) of my generation/century have yet to come together and protest.
21st century does not equal corny, over-romantic, one-dimensional, plastic, airbrushed...vampires.
Vampires were "in" in like, the 1500's. Back when people actually believed in mystical stuff.
Wait, did I say, back when? Sorry, I just got the memo that modernization has never occured.
you've got to help me out
Where do people get the idea that it is okay to wear overalls?
Let me tell you, it is the only thing worse than sweats, pajamas, Juicy Couture, bra straps, bleached blonde hair, and everything else horrible and dispicable in the world combined.
Overalls = NO.
Let me tell you, it is the only thing worse than sweats, pajamas, Juicy Couture, bra straps, bleached blonde hair, and everything else horrible and dispicable in the world combined.
Overalls = NO.
Friday, May 15, 2009
since i need to lose a few....
I might just print this out and put it on my binder....
http://media.photobucket.com/image/chanel%20food/ajbar7/fashionising/five/chanel-fast-food-large.jpg
http://media.photobucket.com/image/chanel%20food/ajbar7/fashionising/five/chanel-fast-food-large.jpg
Friday, May 8, 2009
take me back to that place
because that title has never been done for a "stuff I want" post.
2 people on Flickr have dogs named Tashi. They're really cute dogs, so I don't mind.
So, I've checked the weather for the next 10 days. Apparently its finally time to pack away the warm black tights, the adorable LBD, the red heels, the black beret, and well, everything else black in my closet. Or in other words, everything.
I will be the first to admit that I hate summer. I could live a long, long time without sundresses, shorts, lightweight shirts, and sandals. Give me a cashmere men's sweater and I'm good. I like my jeans, my tights, my boots, my black. Basically I like my black. Black is not a summer color. But black is my color.
So, for summer, white is my color. And yes, I like white. Its breezy, airy, cool. Its no black, that's for sure. But sometimes its the only thing you've got. Like when its 108 degrees out. That white starts to look pretty darn good.
Part of my detesting of warm weather is the lack of clothes I have for it. I own four sundresses, two pairs of shorts (that I would actually wear), one skirt, one pair of sandals, and maybe a shirt or two. Maybe that doesn't sound too shabby, but I rarely wear the same thing in the same way twice.
My shopping list currently includes: and this will probably be my birthday list too:
-a leather messenger bag
- a new purse (not cloth, pretty color- perhaps salmon or yellow)
- a Calvin Klein dress from Ross. This is like, the perfect dress. I'd like it in white, maybe yellow. Its a bit stiff and structured, which is probably why I <3 it. Its about $40 though. So we'll see. I want my mommy to buy it for me.
- white heels. I have cream wedges right now, but I'd like some actual white heels.
-a lightweight white sundress, to be worn with all sorts of cardigans and such.
- a cute little straw men's fedora.
- another pair of white ballet flats. I'm getting the impression I'm going to be wearing mine a lot, and since they're from Payless they're guaranteed to get worn out.
- some more light lovely dresses
I want to spend a day in bed. But not in my house. I don't know where. I just do.
Maybe when I go home I'll lie under the trees. We'll see.
2 people on Flickr have dogs named Tashi. They're really cute dogs, so I don't mind.
So, I've checked the weather for the next 10 days. Apparently its finally time to pack away the warm black tights, the adorable LBD, the red heels, the black beret, and well, everything else black in my closet. Or in other words, everything.
I will be the first to admit that I hate summer. I could live a long, long time without sundresses, shorts, lightweight shirts, and sandals. Give me a cashmere men's sweater and I'm good. I like my jeans, my tights, my boots, my black. Basically I like my black. Black is not a summer color. But black is my color.
So, for summer, white is my color. And yes, I like white. Its breezy, airy, cool. Its no black, that's for sure. But sometimes its the only thing you've got. Like when its 108 degrees out. That white starts to look pretty darn good.
Part of my detesting of warm weather is the lack of clothes I have for it. I own four sundresses, two pairs of shorts (that I would actually wear), one skirt, one pair of sandals, and maybe a shirt or two. Maybe that doesn't sound too shabby, but I rarely wear the same thing in the same way twice.
My shopping list currently includes: and this will probably be my birthday list too:
-a leather messenger bag
- a new purse (not cloth, pretty color- perhaps salmon or yellow)
- a Calvin Klein dress from Ross. This is like, the perfect dress. I'd like it in white, maybe yellow. Its a bit stiff and structured, which is probably why I <3 it. Its about $40 though. So we'll see. I want my mommy to buy it for me.
- white heels. I have cream wedges right now, but I'd like some actual white heels.
-a lightweight white sundress, to be worn with all sorts of cardigans and such.
- a cute little straw men's fedora.
- another pair of white ballet flats. I'm getting the impression I'm going to be wearing mine a lot, and since they're from Payless they're guaranteed to get worn out.
- some more light lovely dresses
I want to spend a day in bed. But not in my house. I don't know where. I just do.
Maybe when I go home I'll lie under the trees. We'll see.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
goodbye is the saddest word
So we all know the things where you enter your name and than find out all about yourself are totally vapid of any truth or meaning.
But I did, just for the fun of it, and here we go: (Comments added)
You Are Dreamy and Distracted
You are very intuitive and wise. agreed
You understand the world better than most people. possible
You also have a very active imagination. yes
You often get carried away with your thoughts. hmm hmm
You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. not exactly
You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals. but than again, yes
You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection. i strive for perfection but am never the best at anything
You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive. any agressivness i have is so buried you would be hard pressed to find it
You have the classic "Type A" personality. i've heard that before but don't really know
You are a seeker. You often find yourself restless - and you have a lot of questions about life. yes
You tend to travel often, to fairly random locations. eh, yeah
You're most comfortable when you're far away from home. so yeah, that's very true
You are quite passionate and easily tempted. Your impulses sometimes get you into trouble. again, all right
You are the total package - suave, sexy, smart, and strong. um, no. i am not 'suave', sexy--welll..., i'm mediocrely smart, and if i'm at all strong physically, i'm extremely weak emotionally
You have the whole world under your spell, and you can influence almost everyone you know. no, i can flirt with almost anyone i know. there is a difference.
You don't always resist your urges to crush the weak. uh, actually, i do. i don't crush anyone.
Just remember, they don't have as much going for them as you do. thank you, sire.
You are truly an original person. You have amazing ideas, and the power to carry them out. i don't have the power to carry them out Success comes rather easily for you... especially in business and academia. this is both true and untrue
Some people find you to be selfish and a bit overbearing. probably true
You're a strong person. Um, sorry buddy, no.
But I did, just for the fun of it, and here we go: (Comments added)
You Are Dreamy and Distracted
You are very intuitive and wise. agreed
You understand the world better than most people. possible
You also have a very active imagination. yes
You often get carried away with your thoughts. hmm hmm
You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. not exactly
You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals. but than again, yes
You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection. i strive for perfection but am never the best at anything
You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive. any agressivness i have is so buried you would be hard pressed to find it
You have the classic "Type A" personality. i've heard that before but don't really know
You are a seeker. You often find yourself restless - and you have a lot of questions about life. yes
You tend to travel often, to fairly random locations. eh, yeah
You're most comfortable when you're far away from home. so yeah, that's very true
You are quite passionate and easily tempted. Your impulses sometimes get you into trouble. again, all right
You are the total package - suave, sexy, smart, and strong. um, no. i am not 'suave', sexy--welll..., i'm mediocrely smart, and if i'm at all strong physically, i'm extremely weak emotionally
You have the whole world under your spell, and you can influence almost everyone you know. no, i can flirt with almost anyone i know. there is a difference.
You don't always resist your urges to crush the weak. uh, actually, i do. i don't crush anyone.
Just remember, they don't have as much going for them as you do. thank you, sire.
You are truly an original person. You have amazing ideas, and the power to carry them out. i don't have the power to carry them out Success comes rather easily for you... especially in business and academia. this is both true and untrue
Some people find you to be selfish and a bit overbearing. probably true
You're a strong person. Um, sorry buddy, no.
my shadow walks beside me
So, I plan on writing a memoir. Well, there's one condition. See, the name is (tentatively) Surviving Suburbia. Of course, to write this brilliant prose (ha), I have to actually survive.
Don't feel much like writing lately. Too much to say, but not enough words.
Don't feel much like writing lately. Too much to say, but not enough words.
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