i need to feel you here with me.

so, i've never written about this on here before.
but since its a huge part of who i am,
i think its kind of important.

Its hard to begin because I don't know where it started.

My grandma was the most amazing person I have ever met and will ever meet. I loved her so much. I loved visiting her; I loved just sitting around and talking. We had times where we did really fun stuff- like go to the zoo or swimming or out to eat. But those aren't the days that stand out the most. Its the days where we stayed home doing work (but it didn't feel like work), eating food, and talking. We didn't need to do anything. I remember sitting in a recliner next to her for hours at time, perhaps looking at photos or reading Readers Digest. Her home felt like my home. She made you feel like you were the specialest person in the world. And she made every single person who ever met her feel that way too. She told me stories, she gave me advice, and she asked questions. She listened. She listened in a way that no one else could. She always understood. She always cared. She was never selfish. Ever. When someone dies its easy to than picture them as perfect. But I believed it before she died. And I always will.

and than way to soon, it was over. I said goodbye in September, 2008, out of neccesity. The goodbye was made for real in November. On a grim day in November that dreaded last phone call came. I spent that day crying and every night thereafter. The next three days were some of the most dreadful I have ever experienced. Normally death, particularly of an amazing person, makes those closest to that person unite and stand together. Or everyone is in so much pain that they have to find someway to deal with it. Its so hard not to be sarcastic when I write this because I hate how people behaved. And I can't find the words to express that hatred except through sarcasm, which I feel isn't right. Sarcasm doesn't express it either. It was horrible. Basically, my parents and I (except not really me..but..) got uninvited to the funeral/memorial. Well, never mind. We weren't uninvited. We just weren't invited. Well, we were invited. We just were told not to say a thing. Which was so unfair for so many reasons. (Such a mess!) People who I loved more than anyone on earth behaved towards me so awfully. It hurts too much to even describe it. Its not what I want to think about. Its not how I want to remember them. But its what they left me with.

Its amazing how people change. Seemingly overnight. One day you're walking together and laughing in the breeze and the next they declare a cold war. I hate the feelings of shock. The bitter cold that comes from feeling completely alone. The shaking. Realizing that the phrase "miss someone so much that it hurts" is one hundred percent acurate. That deep ache. And I hate how just thinking about it makes it all come back.

There is so much more to this story. but not right now.

I always needed time on my own
I never thought I'd need you there when I cry
And the days feel like years when I'm alone
And the bed where you lie is made up on your side
When you walk away
I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day and make it ok
I miss you
I've never felt this way before
Everything that I do reminds me of you
And the clothes you left, they lie on the floor
And they smell just like you, I love the things that you do
When you walk away I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now

We were made for each other
Out here forever
I know we were, yeah
All I ever wanted was for you to know
Everything I'd do, I'd give my heart and soul
I can hardly breathe I need to feel you here with me